INSANITY by MS IMAGINE RATED FRPT

Inspired by feral, Chucky-esque Thunderbirds porcelain dolls...
As exciting as rampant musophobia ever gets...
Documenting Alan's brief flirtation with homosexuality...
And with more plot holes than a block of literate Swiss cheese...

This is Insanity, brought to you by a very sleepy Ms. Imagine

Fondly dedicated to members of the Tracy Island Writers Forum. (Blame them for encouraging this nonsense!)

Kyrano was a man who enjoyed simple pleasures. He liked the feel of the wind on his skin. He loved the smell of herbs as he brushed by their delicate leaves. He cherished time spent with his daughter and loved to learn how her complicated mind was growing. He found joy in the peaceful ocean sunsets on Tracy Island, and secretly, he loved the rumbling thrill of watching the Thunderbird crafts in action. But there was something upsetting his happy balance that strange morning and it actually made his placid features frown.

He urged Tin Tin and Mrs. Tracy back into the house and carefully slipped through the gardens to watch the escalating danger play out by the pool. There was an intruder on the island, a familiar and treacherous villain with a permanent snarl and glowing, hypnotic eyes. Kyrano shook his head.

"When will he understand?" he wondered softly. There was a rustle in the leaves and the insects started to hum. Kyrano raised an eyebrow, translating the hidden messages that the natural world was whispering. He had no chance to respond; a breathless Parker crept up beside him and crouched behind a palm tree.

"What are you doing here?" Kyrano asked with surprise.
"Her ladyship followed the Hood," Parker whispered. "She tried to warn you all but there was some trouble. She said to apologise for being late."
"Ah," was all Kyrano said. There was another gush of wind, more urgent this time. A warning. "Hush now," Kyrano muttered and Parker looked at him strangely.
"H'I beg your pardon?"

The hum of the insects became a shrill, echoing sound. Parker looked around nervously. Lady Penelope was hidden in the shadows close by and gesturing to Jeff. The Hood had started one of his verbal diatribes and the Tracy men were circling him warily, most of them brandishing weapons -- even Brains, who held the pool scoop out as though it carried a poisoned spear tip. Then again, knowing Brains, perhaps it did.

The insects began to rise from their hidden places in the damp undergrowth. At first it was just beetle here, a wasp there, but soon the air was filling with them -- mosquitoes and sand flies, crickets, and an accompanying buzz as loud as any orchestra. Kyrano sighed.

"This is not a good idea," he muttered but whatever being he was communicating with had already made its decision. Sparking bubbles of light materialised in the air, bouncing along the wings of tiny flying creatures. They floated up and the company assembled for confrontation froze and stared in wonder.

"What in the world..." Scott began and Kyrano stepped out from the shadows.
"Not this world," was all he could say before the bubbles exploded in supernatural fireworks, as bright as stars. Each mystical droplet showered over them as gentle as misting rain. He watched wind currents catch a few bubbles and carry them off toward the house. It seemed Tin Tin and Grandma weren't going to be spared the cosmic lesson either.

"Is this necessary?" Kyrano asked the heavens. The shower of exploding bubbles over his head gave him a strong, affirmative answer. He nodded acceptingly and felt the first tingles of strange magic melting into his blood. "Take deep breaths," was his only advice as the island was enveloped in silver light.

When Kyrano opened his eyes again, he was no longer standing in the bushes. The others were in mixes states of confusion. It was Scott who recovered first, glancing down and wondering why his gun had turned into the pool scoop.
"Would someone care to explain what just happened?" he demanded. He tilted his head to one side. "Okay..." he said, puzzled. "That's not my voice.""Brains, your stutter is gone!" Alan blurted, jumping at the sound and getting smacked in the face with a palm leaf in the process. "What the heck?"
"Oi! You're me!" Parker cried and made a face. "I'm a bleedin' yank!""No, you're... Father?" the Hood said hesitantly; Scott frowned and took three fast steps towards him, swinging the pool scoop and snapping it across his neck. The Hood's eyes rolled back in his head and he crumpled to the ground.

"That was not the Hood," Kyrano mumbled. He looked over as Penelope untangled herself from his garden with less than her usual grace.
"We've got a problem," she said sternly. Her eyes went wide and she stared down at her body in horror. "Oh. My. God."
"Penelope? What's wrong?" Gordon asked sharply. She looked up at him with panic.
"I'm a woman."
"Yes...we know..."
"I'm not supposed to be a woman."
"What?"
"This is a nightmare."
"What's going on?"
"You're me?"
"I'm...not...supposed...to be a...a woman..."
"What the hell!"
"Father?"
"This is crazy!"

The situation started to sink in and Kyrano waited patiently for his friends to realise the obvious. It was Jeff that understood first.
"Kyrano! Which one are you?" he snapped.
"I am currently inhabiting Alan's body," he said. He smiled when Gordon turned, knowing full well it was not actually Gordon who was staring at him.
"Can you explain this?" Jeff asked brusquely. He searched for adequate words.
"We have been given a rare opportunity to experience life in another's shoes."
"We've all switched bodies!"
"Exactly, Mr. Tracy."
"Is this...what is this?"
"Think of it as a touch of magic," Kyrano supplied. He saw his friend wince.

"Magic. Right. How do we fix it?"
"We cannot. We must wait."
"Wait?" Penelope shrieked.
"We wait," Kyrano confirmed. Jeff sighed.
"Let's get the Hood inside and try to figure this out," he muttered. "And someone put on some coffee. Lots and lots of coffee."
"Make mine whiskey," Brains muttered and the others stared at him.

"I'm Scott!" he snapped and grabbed the Hood's legs. "Come on, come on. Virgil, give me a hand," he ordered. Virgil, having concluded he was in Penelope's body, took one step and fell flat on his face.
"M'lady!" Parker cried and hurried to Penelope's side.
"It's the heels," Virgil muttered and kicked off Penelope's inconvenient and very expensive shoes. "Give me a hand up, Father."
Parker eyeballed him suspiciously.
"I'm Virgil. You're obviously not Father."
"Parker."
"Great. Just great."

Between them, they managed to carry the Hood's unconscious body through the house and into the lounge. No one noticed when Scott's hand slipped into the Hood's boot, removing a gun and tucking it into his pocket. They dumped the Hood on the floor and Jeff stood over him, tapping his fingers against his, well, Gordon's, thigh. He looked up sharply when the door creaked open and his mother poked her head inside.

"All right, what exactly is going on?" she demanded in an assertive tone he'd not head in her voice...well, ever.
"Mother?" He asked and she gave him an odd look.
"Gordon?"
"Jeff," he corrected. She sighed.
"Penelope."
"Oh, shit, hide me!"
"I beg your pardon?"
"I think that was Virgil," someone else muttered.

"M'lady? Are you all right?" Parker asked, waving his hand in the air to indicate that he was stuck in Jeff's body. She raised an eyebrow at him.
"Now that's intriguing," she said. "I'm fine, Parker. Mrs. Tracy, it's safe," she called over her shoulder. There were chuckles when Tin Tin entered warily, but one pair of eyes started to tear up.
"Hey, uh... Tin Tin?" Brains queried, looking hard at a sniffling Virgil. He -- or she? -- nodded.
"Brains?" Tin Tin asked weakly, staring up at her father's face.
"That's uh, right!" he said and a goofy smile appeared over Kyrano's features.
"Don't uh, cry, Tin Tin, it'll be okay." She nodded and tried to smile bravely.

"So, what do we do now?" whoever was inhabiting Parker asked.
"I'm sorry. Who are you again?" Jeff called.
"Alan. Maybe we should wear name tags?"
"Someone find some masking tape and a marker," Scott said irritably. The glasses he was wearing slipped down his nose and he shoved them back. "Brains why don't you get contacts?" he blurted with frustration, his eyes darting around until he saw Kyrano's body raise its hand.
"Because then I'd uh, have to, uh, touch my eye," Brains explained.
"And..."
"And, uh, that's disgusting."

"Never mind. You look rather dashing with glasses," Penelope complimented him.
"Thanks, Grandma," Scott replied jokingly. Alan let out a chuckle that sounded decidedly clownish coming from Parker's voice.
"You know, Penelope, I always thought you acted much older than you really are," he taunted. "Must be all that tweed in your wardrobe. I guess you're pretty comfortable right now." She rolled her eyes and batted him with a cushion.
"Clever, clever," she muttered. "I'll have you know that tweed is classic." Scott grinned and leaned in close.
"So is Grandma," he whispered, eager to get in on the joke. Jeff cut off Penelope's retort with an alarmed shout.

"Everyone, be quiet! The Hood is waking up!"

When John opened his eyes, he was lying in the lounge, flat on his back. Gordon was standing over him with a gun to the ready. His face was twisted into a tense scowl.
"Whoa, Gordon!" John cried, then coughed. His voice sounded terrible. "What's going on? I was on Thunderbird Five...how did I get here?" John coughed again, trying to clear the frog out of his throat. Gordon's eyes went wide and the gun lowered a fraction.
"John?" he asked carefully.
"Who else, Gordo? Help me up, would you? I feel like a bus hit me. What the heck is happening? There's something wrong with my voice,"
"Not just your voice, son."
"What did you say?"

Wordlessly, he took John's arm and led him to the glass windows.
"Your reflection," he explained. John looked up and yelped when the massive body of the Hood stared back at him.
"Gordon!" he cried in warning and spun around. His family were looking at him with strange expressions on their faces, but the Hood was nowhere to be seen.

"I'm going insane," John blurted and whipped around to stare at the glass again. He reached out and touched it; the Hood's reflection moved with him.
"Something very strange has happened," Gordon said slowly.
"Yeah, no shit, Gordo."
"John, you know I hate that kind of language!" John stared at his brother as if he'd grown another head.
"John, it's me. Your father...in Gordon's body..." John raised one eyebrow and glanced back at the Hood in the glass.
"Right," he said, drawing the word out. "This is a stupid joke, Gordon. Alan? How'd you get the reflection to work? Some kind of projection, right?" John looked over his shoulder to see Alan shaking his head.

"It is not Alan, but Kyrano," he said softly.
"Alan, that's not funny."
"Uh, it's, uh true," Kyrano answered. "I'm Brains."
"You too, Kyrano? What the heck is going on here?"
Lady Penelope extricated herself from the crowd and walked over to place her hand on his arm.

"John, it's me. Virgil."
"Penelope? This is going too far."
"No, Penelope is in Grandma's body...it really is me. Something really, really strange is happening..."
"You sound like Penelope...but..."
"But the vocal patterns are off, right?"
"Completely. But you could be faking."
"Hmm. Penelope," the blond called and turned back to the crowd. "I apologise for this." When the blue eyes locked onto John's, she - or was it he? - took a deep breath.

"Shit, damn, asshole -"

"Virgil!" Gordon and Grandma -- Father and Penelope? -- shouted at once. Virgil, stuck inside the body of a blonde woman, sighed.
"Now do you believe us?" he said. John shook his head -- the Hood's head.
"Oh. Holy - "
"Don't say it," Gordon/Jeff sighed.
"But...if I'm here...then...who is on Thunderbird Five?" As if expecting an immediate answer, they both looked skyward with worried expressions on their faces.

Gordon was frantic. He didn't dare start pressing random buttons -- it'd been too long since he'd done any T5 training and he had no desire to accidentally shoot himself out the air lock. All he could do was pace the floor furiously, wait for a signal from home and try not to hyperventilate.

"Come on, come on, figure it out! Something is most definitely, frikkin', one hundred percent wrong!" he cried. There was no answer and Gordon immediately felt stupid for expecting it. He was in space, alone, and as he well knew after watching all those cheesy old science fiction movies, in space no one could hear him scream.

There was a sudden beeping and he sprinted to the control panels, nearly crying in relief when something flashed red. He pressed it and the previously black comm screen blinked into life. He gasped. It was Tracy Island all right -- but standing in the view was the Hood and -- himself?

"What the hell?" he asked. "Gordon? Me? What?"
"Gordon, it's your father," the Gordon on Earth said sharply. "And John."
Gordon stared at the Hood with wide eyes.
"Um...Father...or, whatever...mind telling me what's going on?"
"We haven't got a clue," he admitted.
"Well that's two of us. So...Father...um, you're in my body?"
"It appears so.""And I'm in John's..."
"You're taking this rather well," the Hood/John said dryly.
"It's a nightmare. I'm dreaming."
"I wish," was the snorted reply.

"We'll send Alan and Brains up to get you," Jeff --in- Gordon told him.
"Right...so I should expect Grandma and Alan's pet alligator?"
"No," Jeff sighed. "Parker and Kyrano." Gordon immediately started to laugh.
"That's just priceless. Now will someone please wake me up?"
Jeff -- inhabited by Parker - muttered something unintelligible from the background.

From Alan's body, Kyrano merely took a deep breath and closed unfamiliar eyes. Of all the mysteries, he spoke silently to the great power that bound the universe, you had to send this one?

"Father," Brains said. "We can't send Alan and Brains up. If something happens halfway there, and by some miracle we're all back where we belong, Parker and Kyrano can't operate Thunderbird Three." Gordon sighed, unnerved by the way it echoed around Thunderbird Five's interior. That was definitely Scott talking.
"That rules out sending John. There's no way we can risk letting the Hood get inside a Thunderbird," Jeff replied. "We need an astronaut."
"Why don't you go?" Grandma asked with her head curiously tilted to one side.
"I suppose I could..." Jeff mused. "But someone has to keep an eye on things here."
"I don't imagine things can get any worse," she interjected. "And there is that little thing called a communications system."
"Penelope, you're teasing me."
"Absolutely."
"Stop it," he grumbled half-heartedly.
"Whatever you say, Jeff."

"That's scary. It's like Grandma never switched," Scott-in-Brains said with a shake of his head.
"Great minds think alike," Tin Tin declared with a smile and Gordon laughed when he realised his Grandmother was suddenly twenty years old again.

"All right, ladies. I'm staying put, if only to keep you two under control. Brains and Alan will go up -- with Kyrano, in case something happens. That way Alan can take over if his body is returned to him in the meantime. Agreed?" Scott shook Brains' head.
"You know Father, maybe it's not such a good idea to go running around space when we don't have a clue what's happening. If something goes wrong..."
Jeff sighed. "I don't want to leave Gordon up there," he said.
"At least he's trained. You're sending Alan and Brains' minds, but not their bodies. You really think Parker and Kyrano could handle the stress? I think it's an unnecessary risk."
"You're probably right, son," Jeff conceded. "Gordon, do you think you can handle a short shift up there?"

"Hey, it's a piece of cake, right? Besides, I'm pretty sure I'll wake up soon. Or at least start dreaming about something less kooky."
Less kook and more kink, hey Gordo? Alan thought while he eavesdropped, but he decided it was probably better not to say it out loud.
"You do realise this is serious?" John asked irritably. Gordon merely shrugged.
"Hey, denial is my friend."

They were interrupted by a guttural growl and the sound of a weapon powering up.

"You!" the Scott snarled roughly. "You did this!"

The room fell silent and everyone stared at Scott. He was pointing an accusation at Alan -- who they had established already as Kyrano.
"Wait a minute? The Hood? You're in Scott's body!" Jeff-in-Gordon cried. The Hood-in-Scott snarled and backed away. Every pair of eyes in the room was fixed on him. He stared at his half brother, hidden away in the body of the youngest Tracy and gasped.
"My powers! You took them!" he cried in horror.
"Interesting," Brains mumbled from Kyrano's body.
"Perhaps not a good time?" Tin Tin curbed his scientific curiosity from her place in Virgil's body. She smiled when her Father's features fell into disappointment.

"Penelope!" Jeff/Gordon cried and the Hood whipped around, trying to remember which body she had been transported into. He was taken by surprise when the elderly woman let fly with her hand. He felt a blow at the back of his foreign neck and crumpled to the floor.
"Oh, that's going to leave bruises on both of us. I am sorry," Penelope apologised to Grandma and Scott.
"Never mind," the matriarch stated. She tucked loose hair behind Tin Tin's borrowed ear. "But you must show me how to do that sometime."
"My pleasure," Penelope smiled from behind Mrs. Tracy's features. The older woman shook her head. The whole thing was completely uncanny.

"Let's get him on the couch," Jeff ordered. He moved to help his sons in their mixed up bodies lift Scott's inert form from the floor and felt a painful twinge in his back.
"Take it easy there, Dad!" Gordon warned. He was still watching the surreal scene. "You gotta bend a the knees or I'll be laid up for days!"
"Sorry, son," Jeff mumbled and resolved to take more care. "Do we have handcuffs, Brains?"
"No, uh, Mr. Tracy, but we have plenty of rope. I'll run down and fetch some...and I might just pick up some uh, diagnostic equipment too."
"What for?"
"Just to uh, examine Scott."
"I'm fine, Brains."
"I meant your body. I wouldn't want there to be any damage from that blow."

"I was careful," Penelope defended. Tin Tin shook her head and gave Brains a long stare. He pretended not to notice.
"This is quite an opportunity, for uh, scientific research. If we can discover why the Hood can't use his powers in Scott's body-"
"You want to dissect my head?" Scott cried, jumping protectively to stand between Brains and the couch.
"Uh, just a bit," Brains argued. "And the Hood's head. Just a few tests. It won't hurt. Well, maybe a little, but we've uh, got plenty of uh, aspirin."
"I think we might just let this one slip by, Brains," Jeff said. It was definitely the last word on the subject. Brains eyed Scott's unconscious form and sighed.
"FAB," was all he said. "Do you uh, still want that rope?"
"And a sedative."
"I'll come with you Brains," Tin Tin said with a hidden warning in her voice.

Alan knew that tone and he chuckled, making a whiplash sound under his breath. All it earned him was a bruised arm from a punch much stronger than Tin Tin would normally dish out.
"Ow," he muttered and rubbed the new bruise. Tin Tin beamed and followed Brains out, feeling rather pleased with herself.
"I guess there is a good use for all these muscles," she told Brains as they walked.
"You mean uh, other than for uh, staring at?"
"We need to find you a girl," she teased.
"Science is my, uh, only mistress," Brains replied with mock lamenting. "Aside from uh, you, of course."
"Flirt. Now what sort of tranquilliser shall we use on Uncle Belah? Horse? Goat?"
"How about uh, elephant?"
"That will do the trick nicely."

"An Indian rain dance?"
"Some sort of massive jolt?"
"Electro-shock therapy?"
Virgil sighed and ran a delicate, manicured hand over blue eyes that didn't belong to him. His head was starting to hurt.

"Give it up, guys, it's not going to work," he begged. "Kyrano said we are just going to have to wait, so will you at least try and do it patiently?"
"Easy for you to say, there's plenty to keep you occupied," Gordon muttered from the screen and sent a pointed look at Virgil's chest.
"Gordon!" John hissed.
"What? Just stating the obvious."
"Quit being a jerk!"

"Stop it, both of you! Damn! I need a break," Virgil muttered and moved to the balcony where the girls were chatting. He felt a low ache in his -- well, Penelope's -- belly. He frowned and came to stand beside her -- well, Grandma. His head was really starting to hurt.
"Penelope, did you eat something that would uh, disagree with you?" he asked as politely as he could. She gave him a confused look.
"No, why?"
"You're stomach or something is hurting." Her eyes went wide.
"Oh dear. What is the date?"
"Uh...the twenty first."
"Oh, bother."
"I'm sorry?"

She flushed scarlet, then went pale and pulled him down to whisper in his ear.

Virgil had always lived by the values his parents had given him as a young boy, and one of those was to never disrespect a woman. He was pretty damned sure this situation didn't count.

"No frigging way!" he hissed. Penelope/Grandma rolled her eyes.
"I can't help it, Virgil, I'm a woman."
"Oh I noticed!" he cried, gesturing to his new body. "You're kidding. I can't cope with this."
"Look...I'll tell you how to...well...you know."
"Isn't there are pill or something you can take to make this go away?"
"I'm allergic to it."
"Oh for crying out loud!"
"Virgil?"

"Yes?" he asked dangerously.
"If you don't get to a bathroom soon...they're going to know."
"What do you mean?"
"Think about it..."
"Oh God."
"Exactly. There are some necessities in my suitcase. There are directions on the packet."
"Penelope!" he whispered fiercely. "I am not going to use a tampon while I'm in your body - that's sick!" Penelope rolled her eyes, a gesture completely unfamiliar coming from his sweet Grandmother's face. She took his hand and marched him toward the guest room.

"Oh for heaven's sake, Virgil, stop dragging your feet. Your poor Grandmother has a shocking backache and you're not helping."
"Penelope -- Penny, I'm begging you, don't make me do this!"
"Virgil Tracy, I am trusting you with an extremely private situation! Imagine how I feel about this!"
"I'm sorry, Penny."
"I know. Now we can avoid the tampon situation, but it's going to be unpleasant for you. Think of it as...wounded in action."
"Why do I not like the sound of this?"
"You are getting a rare insight into women, Virgil. I should expect you to use the information wisely." With a stern grip on his shirt, she herded him into the guest room and locked the door.

"What was all that about?" Tin Tin wondered aloud, turning to watch herself in the mid afternoon sun. It was a difficult situation to wrap her mind around, seeing her own body inhabited by Mrs. Tracy. Worse was the thought that she was stuck inside a man, but she had been doing her best to ignore the problem in the hope that it would all go away. She watched as Mrs. Tracy flicked her hair off her face.
"Tin Tin dear, what do you use in your hair? It's lovely and soft," she remarked.
"Coconut oil," Alan replied absently from inside. A few eyebrows shot up and he pretended not to notice.

"All the chlorine and salt water dries it out," Tin Tin said forlornly. She looked over at Grandma Tracy who was making her green eyes sparkle.
"You swim a lot, don't you?" Grandma said conversationally.
"Yes," she replied with a sigh. "Although I don't see that happening any time soon. I am not changing clothing like this." Grandma sighed wistfully.
"You know, I haven't been swimming in years..." her voice trailed off in longing.
"You're welcome to, if you feel like it," Tin Tin offered generously. "I don't mind."

Tin Tin blinked rapidly when she was struck with the full force of her own grin and twinkling eyes. She smiled just a little smugly and glanced towards Alan, momentarily forgetting she was really seeing her father in Alan's body. When she realised, she ran after Grandma to beg her to avoid her bikini collection. Now was not the time to reveal that little secret.

Alan, meanwhile, was doing his best to slip away from the others unnoticed. He had hoped that Parker's burglary skills had somehow stayed with his body, but his slightly clumsy movements as he ducked out of the lounge told him otherwise. With a wicked grin on his face, he made it to the monorail, adrenaline pumping through Parker's system. He got off at Thunderbird Two's hangar and snuck through the cavern-like room until he spotted FAB 1 gleaming under the fluorescent lighting, just begging him to take her out for a spin.

"Oh baby!" he cried gleefully, laughing at the comical way Parker's voice sounded with an American in control of it. He jogged to the ridiculously pink vehicle and grinned, his mind going into ecstasies at the thought of screaming down the runway at two hundred miles an hour in a super-charged Rolls. His hand brushed the door and the racer in him gave a devilish laugh.

"Radar assisted navigation," Alan murmured, his voice dripping with covetous desire. His fingers gripped the door handle. "Booster jets... oh baby..." He pulled the door open with a naughty shiver. "A radiator mounted cannon! Dude!"

Alan was in the driver's seat before he could say 'grand theft auto'.

The security system blinked into life when Alan touched the controls, scanning his fingerprints and accepting his command. He grinned and started the engine, soaking up the glorious sound as the Rolls revved and purred.

"Tin Tin would love this!" he cried out loud. He had an idea and let the rumbling engine calm before activating the comm panel.
"Hey, Tin Tin!" he called. She smiled back at him.
"It's your grandmother, dear."
"Oh, sorry. I'll call Virgil's watch."

It was a moment before he received an answer.
"Y-yes?" Tin Tin said. Alan had to remind himself that he wasn't actually talking to Virgil.
"Hey, it's Alan. Tell the others you need some air and meet me in the hangar. I have a surprise for you."
"Oh? Are you sure this is a good time?"
"We're just going for a little excursion. We'll be close by if anything happens."
"All right, Alan," she said trustingly. "I'll just be a few minutes."

He regretfully cut the engine and its symphony of revs and waited by the monorail. When Tin Tin arrived she was carrying a basket of food and a blanket.
"I'm hungry," she explained. "I thought it might be nice to eat together...and we can talk about all this." She gestured to his aged face and frowned. Alan agreed and steered her towards the Rolls.

"Check it out, Tin Tin. What do you say we go for a little ride?" She gasped.
"But that's Parker's pride and joy!" she cried with dismay. "It would be stealing!"
Alan did a quick turn on the spot and tapped his feet.
"But I'm Parker," he said, doing his best to make his inflections sound like the cockney chauffer's.
"Alan!" Tin Tin exclaimed and burst into giggles. "You're very bad."
"I know," he whispered and wiggled his eyebrows. He opened the door for her and gestured for her to sit. "But that's just why you love me. Hop in. If you're a very good girl, I might even let you drive."

Night came slowly over Tracy Island. Everyone occupied themselves as best they could in their strange condition. For the most part they congregated in the lounge, although Alan and Tin Tin were still out after dark. It made Virgil slightly nervous to wonder what Alan was thinking about his girlfriend residing in his brother's body. He was hiding out at his piano and attempting to relax enough to play a decent tune but Penelope's hands were smaller than he was used to. In his less than congenial mood it took too much effort to compensate. He missed being able to reach over a whole octave with little effort. Frustrated, he belted out a few ominous sounding chords and covered the keys, moving to join the others.

"Virgil?" Penelope said in Grandma's tired voice. "You should take a shower. I trust you not to take advantage of the situation." She gave a pointed gaze down the length of her own body and Virgil cleared his throat.
"Scout's honour. Are you all right?"
"Just tired. I think I should take your Grandmother off to bed. She's starting to get rather sore." She smiled and made her way slowly to the guest room, marveling at how Mrs. Tracy managed with so many aches and pains in her ageing body.

"Penelope," Grandma called when she noticed herself walking away. She shook her head in amazement when her body turned back to regard her politely.
"Yes, Mrs. Tracy?"
"Maybe you should take my room for tonight. I have a special orthopaedic mattress. Helps the arthritis."
"Of course. I shall be sure to keep you comfortable," Penelope promised.
"M'lady, is there anything you require?" Parker asked insistently.
"Just sleep, but thank you Parker." Penelope bade them all a good night, privately amused at the thought of Parker-as-Jeff tucking her into bed.

John gave her a quick wave and turned back to the illuminated portrait that showed his body, controlled by Gordon's mind, running fingers through his hair and rolling his eyes.
"This is insane!" Gordon cried and slapped his folder down on the console. "I'm going nuts, John! How do you stand it?" He glared impatiently at the face his brother was currently using and watched him sigh.
"Routine is important, Gordon. It stops me going crazy. The checks are important. They stop things from blowing up."
"No offence, but if I'm gonna be stuck inside your body for the rest of my life, and therefore Thunderbird Five, I think I'd rather be blown up."
"Gee, thanks."
"At least you look like a tough guy. I'm the runt of the Tracy litter!"
"Gordon, quit being an ass. Have a think about it. If I leave this island, I'm going to be arrested. The Hood is a criminal. If we get stuck this way, I can't leave. Ever! There is no way Father will let me on Five like this."

Gordon was struck with a sudden idea.

"You know, John, maybe it wouldn't be so bad...I mean sure, you need a hair transplant and a decent wardrobe - "
"Gordon, shut up."
"Just hear me out! Think about it -- no more runt jokes, little Johnny."
"Shut. Up. What were we up to? Checking the oxygen tanks?"
"Come on, John...you're not...curious?" John glared at Gordon, who had a smarmy grin plastered on his face. My face, he thought with a mental growl.
"Curious about what?" he demanded, a pointless effort to knock the mischief out of his stir-crazy brother's system so they could get back to work. Gordon leaned forward conspiratorially.
"The Hood," he said with a casual shrug. "I mean...he's a big guy. Really imposing. You think that uh, everything is in ...proportion?"

John's jaw dropped in horror.

"Gordon! You perverted little weasel!" he cried. His brother burst into hysterical laughter.
"Your face!" he shouted between howls.
"Not my face!" John snapped and walked away, leaving Gordon to his gasps and giggles. "Screw the oxygen," he mumbled under his breath, marching outside where -- after checking to make sure no one was watching -- he flipped a finger at the stars.

"Whoa, Johnny!" Alan laughed from his place on the ground below the balcony.
"What's happened?" Tin Tin asked, craning her neck to see.
"I'd say Gordon's up to his usual tricks," Alan told her. "Come on, we better get back before we're missed." He picked up the picnic basket and stuffed the blanket inside. They snuck into the hangar and Alan double-checked that FAB 1 was secure.
"That was fun," he said with a grin, brushing some dirt off the radiator. Tin Tin tugged on his sleeve.

"It was, but we should go."
He nodded and they made their way to the monorail and sat next to each other somewhat awkwardly.
"Alan," Tin Tin began, her eyes fixed firmly on the changing surroundings.
"Yeah?"
"What if...we're stuck this way?"
"What do you mean?"

"Well..." They slipped into a darker part of the tunnel and Alan instinctively leaned over to plant a reassuring kiss on her cheek. He cringed when he felt stubble.
"Alan," Tin Tin whispered and he could tell she was about to cry.
"Yeah?" he replied, knowing the answer would not be good. The monorail slid into light and stopped.
"You just kissed your brother," she pointed out. Alan made a face.
"I did, didn't I? Gross."

Tin Tin burst into tears and ran.

Virgil was pacing. He had to admit that it was a hell of an experience, being trapped in a hormonal, menstruating woman's body, but between the cramping and the slightly sore breasts (I have breasts! He thought triumphantly, before remembering to whom they belonged) he was becoming quite tired. If this was just one little period, he never wanted to know how pregnancy, or worse, labour, felt. He stopped pacing and took a deep breath. On the calming exhale, he heard a sniffling coming from behind the potted palm tree in the corner. He felt his brow knot and he moved to investigate.

"Tin Tin?" She was huddled behind the palm tree, obviously upset. He settled beside her. "Are you all right?" he asked, already knowing the answer.
"This is awkward," she declared with a sniff.
"Tell me about it."
"I want to be a girl again," she said meekly and Virgil could see that his eyes -- hers, for the time being -- were welling up.
"Aw, Tin Tin, it'll be ok." He put an arm around her.
"But what if this is permanent? I mean...Alan is Parker and I'm you, and we...I'm not kissing Parker!" She started to cry then, and Virgil sighed.

"Don't worry, I'm sure your father will be able to sort this out," he said encouragingly. She looked directly at him and after a hiccup and a tense pause, started to bawl.
"He said we just have to wait!" she cried. Virgil sighed again and let her sob all over him, though he supposed Penelope wouldn't be pleased with salty tears and runny nose all over her designer outfit. When Tin Tin settled down, he reached for the picnic basket she had with her and started searching for a napkin so she could wipe her eyes. Something wriggly and furry brushed his fingers and he jerked them back.

"What is that?" he wondered out loud and dove his hand back in the basket.
"Sorry?" Tin Tin asked. Virgil pulled the blanket out, letting it spill onto the floor.
"There's something in the -- ah." A tiny mouse tumbled onto the blanket then shot off behind the pot plant. Tin Tin scrambled out of the way.
"Well, what do you know?" Virgil said. "Looks like we have a visitor."
"Virgil, your hands are shaking."
"Huh?" Virgil glanced at Tin Tin then down at Penelope's hands and sure enough, they were trembling wildly. In fact her legs were starting to twitch as well.
"Penelope is afraid of mice," Tin Tin supplied helpfully.
"I forgot," Virgil said. "I don't understand it. She was a secret agent, she used to shoot things for a living, and she's afraid of a tiny - "

The mouse, having decided its hiding place was not secure enough, darted into the open, running straight across Virgil's toes.

"MOUSE!" he shrieked, jumping back to the wall in a panic. "There's a MOUSE!"
"Oh calm down, Virgil," Tin Tin scolded. "You'll wake Mrs. Tracy, well, Penelope. Since when have you been afraid of mice anyway? If I remember correctly, you laughed at Penelope that time one got into Thunderbird Two."
Virgil was clawing at the wall. He spotted a nearby chair and leapt onto it.
"I don't know!" he cried with terror in his voice. "I'm not scared of mice. But Penelope's body is going nuts! I can't control it! OH GOD IT MOVED AGAIN!"

"What's going on?" Jeff demanded, striding over and wishing Gordon's voice was a little less exuberant and a little more authoritive.
"There's a mouse inside!" Virgil hissed and clung to the chair desperately. "It's moving towards the door! Someone kill it!"
"A mouse?" someone repeated and Virgil could feel a cold sweat breaking out on his skin.
"Yes, a mouse! KILL IT!"
"Too late, it's disappeared."
"Well go find it! I'm not sleeping with that...that THING in the house!"
"You're being irrational," Jeff said as sternly as he could manage.
"I can't help it, Father, Penelope is sweating and shaking and-"

A terrified shriek echoed through the house and Tin Tin started to giggle. Only seconds later, Penelope came running into the lounge. The boys burst into laughter to see their Grandmother sprinting in her nightgown, skirts hitched up and barefoot, hair streaming wildly and hands flapping in a panic.
"There's a MOUSE!" Penelope squealed. "It's in your mother's room! Jeff, go KILL IT!"
"For heaven's sake," he muttered, shaking his head as Penelope curled up on the couch miserably.
"I threw a slipper at it, but it bounced," she grumbled, tucking her feet as far up under her as she could manage.
"You can climb down off that chair now Virgil," Jeff said. "Scott, fetch a broom would you?"

"Sure, Father." He winked at Virgil. "Always happy to save a damsel in distress."
The filthy look that Virgil shot his brother was completely out of place for Penelope's usually composed features. Scott pushed Brains' glasses back up his face and grinned. "Such a pretty damsel, too," he taunted insolently.
"Now, now," Penelope chided and shot him a disapproving look. "Fetch the broom like a good boy."

Scott turned the grin up a few more watts and went looking for his weapon of choice. He strode towards Grandma's room. She was waiting outside and smiled when she saw him.
"Scott, please don't kill him. Just let him outside, would you?"
"Don't tell Penelope," he cautioned.
"Of course not, poor dear. She's terrified. So is Virgil. Must be the hormones."
Scott gave her a wink and stepped into her bedroom. His father was scowling into the mirror, trying on different faces in varying degrees of 'stern'.

"What are you doing, Father?" Jeff sighed.
"How does anyone take Gordon seriously?" he lamented. "Even when he's mad," Jeff tried on the appropriate expression, "He still looks cheerful."
"He likes it that way," Scott said with a shrug. "He's an optimistic kind of guy. Where's the mouse?"
"Under the bed. You know, it's a good thing I'm practically a recluse as far as the business world is concerned. Parker sounds terrible with my voice and I look like a kid."
"Don't say that to Gordo."
"It's not a problem when he's in his own body -- it suits him. Not me." Jeff got down on his knees carefully to avoid aggravating Gordon's temperamental back muscles and opened a large jar. Scott lay on his belly and started prodding the mouse towards it with the broom. The little creature darted to safety and Jeff scooped it up, twisting on the lid and holding up his prize.

"All done," he told his mother as they exited her room. "You can tell Penelope and Virgil it's safe to get off the furniture now."
"They're in the kitchen. Virgil decided he needed chocolate."
"At this time of night?"
"He said it would make him feel better."
"Virgil is comfort eating?" Scott laughed. "He really is turning into a woman."
"There are plenty of uncomfortable things about being female, Scott." Jeff pointedly hurried away to release the mouse, leaving his son behind to his ignorant fate. "Did you know they got rid of thong underwear?" Grandma continued. "They call them 'v-strings' now days. I thought it was tooth floss! I asked Tin Tin if she had any proper underwear and she produced these little -"

"Uh, Grandma, I'm not so sure I want to know about sweet little Tin Tin's panties, but I'm sure Alan would be a willing audience," Scott said as politely as he could.
"I'm sorry dear. It's quite a shock to be this young again. I've forgotten what it's like."
"You've always been young at heart, Grandma."
"Oh, you charmer. Go put that broom back in the closet."
"Yes ma'am," he said obediently and left to follow her instructions. Grandma gave a wicked little smile and glanced up.

Grant, you'd like the lingerie now days, she thought saucily. I'll tell you all about it next time I see you. She patted her hair to ensure it was still neat and walked back to the lounge with a perfectly composed, angelic face.

"Anyone for hot cocoa?"

Aside from Penelope and Grandma's arrangement, by mutual agreement everyone decided to stay in their own rooms for the night; that is, the ones they possessed before the cosmic twist of fate hurled them all into the wrong bodies. The younger Tracy men didn't trust their older brothers not to snoop through their collections of random contraband, Brains was nervous about leaving his experiments and there was no way Jeff was letting Parker and his sticky fingers near his personal space.

"I'll take the first watch," Scott volunteered. Brains chuckled at him.
"I'm afraid that uh, if the Hood comes around, you'll be no match for his, uh, your, strength, Scott," he explained, pointing to Scott's still sedated body. Scott sighed and removed the glasses he wore, rubbing his eyes.
"All right. John, you can take first watch."
"Virgil's next in line," John protested. Scott shook his head.
"Virgil's a chick."
"Whoa, don't let Penelope ever hear that come out of your mouth! She'll have you for breakfast."
"I heard," she said dryly from the other side of the room. "And we'll have words in the morning, Scott Tracy."
"Ouch."
"Very."

"All right everyone, get some sleep," Jeff ordered shortly. "Take the first watch, John. I'll take the second. Alan can take the third."
"FAB, Father," they answered immediately. They began to wander off to their rooms. Alan tried to say an awkward goodnight to Tin Tin but she fled. A sudden concern made Kyrano's brow knot and he followed her.

"Tin Tin, my dear, I need to speak with you."
"Of course, Father." She led him into her room and climbed into bed. Kyrano took a seat next to her, clearing his throat somewhat uncomfortably.
"I realise this is an embarrassing situation for you," he began haltingly, "But there are certain... physical realities about being a young man that you will probably encounter in the morning. I just want you to be prepared."

Her eyes went wide and he continued, this time speaking their native dialect. By the time he finished, Tin Tin was almost in tears again and her face was bright red. Kyrano left his daughter with a reassuring pat on her newly broad shoulder and fled the room.

"Whoa, Kyrano!" Jeff called, nearly bumping into his friend in the hallway.
"Sorry, Mr. Tracy."
"You look a little flustered."
"I just had to give Tin Tin a talk...in case she, ahem, remains in her current state when she wakes tomorrow." He coughed nervously and made a telling gesture.
"Oh, God," Jeff moaned. "And I thought 'the birds and the bees' was uncomfortable."
"The joys of parenting," Kyrano sighed with a philosophical tone.

"What is that thing you're always trying to teach me? 'It could always be worse', 'glass is half full' sort of thing?"
"Ah. Eternal optimism."
"That's the one. Is it working?" Kyrano considered the conversation he just had with his young daughter and sighed.
"Right now I think your scotch and a good cigar' might do just as well."
Jeff burst into laughter and clapped his friend on the back.
"Amen to that, Kyrano. Let's just hope this craziness is sorted by the morning."
"Indeed. Good night, Mr. Tracy."
"I don't know about good, Kyrano. Bizarre, surreal, and plenty insane," he quipped as he headed towards his room, "but definitely not good."

Alas, the morning brought nothing but disappointment to Tracy Island. Jeff sighed and stomped into the crowded kitchen in search of legal stimulants hidden in Kyrano's magnificently potent coffee. He poured himself a large mug full and leaned on the counter, ignoring the fact that Gordon's height made balancing on his elbows more difficult. Instead of thinking, Jeff let the tense conversation continue without him while he waited for the caffeine to do its job.

"This is meant to be a valuable lesson? What exactly are we supposed to learn?" Alan muttered into a bowl of cereal. He attempted to shovel his spoon into his mouth and hit Parker's bulbous, crooked nose instead. Ignoring the resultant sniggers, Alan tried again. He chewed sullenly while watching himself -- Kyrano - consider the question."Walking in another's shoes teaches us more about ourselves, as well as others," he ventured with a shrug.
"I think I damn well qualify for the exam," Virgil muttered. He popped two pills into his mouth and swallowed them with half a cup of juice. "I have an entirely new found respect for the opposite sex," he declared. Alan smirked and watched his brother clomp around the table and flop into a chair. Even in a floaty top, pants that wrapped his curves perfectly and pink sandals, he still made Penelope look like Miss Man.

"What are you taking?" asked Penelope as she set her tea down.
"Uh..." he checked the packet. "That Panadol you gave me."
"Aw, poor Virgie. You should try Midol," Alan sniggered, earning him glares from both Virgil and Penelope.
"You may find natural therapies to be of great benefit," Kyrano insisted.
"Lucille used to swear by aromatherapy," Jeff mumbled. Kyrano nodded.
"Perhaps you would like some raspberry and hibiscus tea?"
"Perhaps a morphine drip?" Virgil pleaded.
"Oh, it's not that bad," Penelope chided him.
"Maybe your lesson is pain tolerance?" Scott asked with an almost serious face.
"Maybe yours is how to keep your mouth shut," Virgil snapped.
"Well whatever it is, someone obviously hasn't learned their lesson, cause we're all still stuck in this hell," John blurted, tossing his spoon onto the table. Alan made a face and John glared at him impatiently.

"Don't look at me like that," Alan griped.
"Excuse me?" John said sarcastically. "What do you have to complain about? While the rest of us have been busy figuring this out, you've been joy riding in FAB 1!"
"Joyriding? I'm a professional! I don't joyride. I evaluate performance. "
"I saw her this morning, Alan. Only you would be stupid enough to-"
"Shut up, dude!" Alan snapped, having realised his danger too late. He stared guiltily at his bowl while Parker eyeballed him wildly. Ordinarily Alan would have laughed it off. Parker's ridiculously large nose and bushman eyebrows made his expressions worth a good chuckle, but instinct told Alan that the same look plastered on his father's features was not a good thing. Thankfully, Penelope intervened before Parker could rip him to shreds.

"Calm down," she told her butler. "I'm sure there was no harm done. Of course, if someone did inadvertently damage my beloved Rolls, I'd be forced to take action." Alan ducked his head even lower.
"Uh...such as...?" he asked nervously, risking a glance at her face, knowing that it was not his angelic Grandmother watching him with such a steady gaze.
"I was a federal agent, dear," Penelope explained. "I can interrogate and torture while I drink my tea -- which I must say is lovely, Kyrano - and although it would be an infinitely unpleasant experience for you, I am certain I could manage it without spilling a drop."

Alan gulped.
"She's teasing you, moron," John mumbled under his breath. Alan shook his head nervously.
"I'm not so sure. Do you see her face? That's a serious face."
"Penelope could sit in the front row of a Backstreet Boys concert and not crack a smile."
Scott burst out laughing. "You're such an ass, Alan."
"You're the ass!"
"Enough with the name calling, children," Jeff muttered with his eyes closed. "Alan, stay out of FAB 1 or I will give Lady Penelope license to torture you."

Alan dutifully apologised then swiftly changed the subject.

"So who is it? Who hasn't figured out their lesson yet?" he asked, spooning more cereal into his mouth.
"Maybe we should go round the table," Scott suggested.
"Like some stupid Thanksgiving tradition? No," John declared emphatically. His temper had obviously gotten the better of him and he swilled his coffee with a dangerous glare on his face.
"Well I think we've found the culprit, " Scott laughed and elbowed his brother lightly.
"Bite me."
"Stop it!" Jeff roared.

Tin Tin walked in and stared at them all frozen in place. She glanced at her father then Virgil, then down at the body she was in and blushed furiously.
"Everything ok, Tin Tin?" Alan asked, grateful for the distraction.
"Fine," she mumbled and took a piece of toast from the rack. "Pass the butter, please."

Gordon didn't look so good when John called him that morning. John winced when his brother came into view, wearing his own familiar skin -- he knew he was pale but this pallor bordered on sickly. His eyes were bloodshot and rimmed in dark circles and he hadn't shaved, or showered, by the look of things. Gordon was keeping his hands clasped in his lap to avoid letting John see their slight tremor.

"What did you do to me?" John asked darkly. Gordon gave him an apologetic look.
"I thought this was a dream," he said and his voice rattled.
"We told you it wasn't."
"Well, I thought you were just a dream! I went to sleep and then I woke up and I'm still here."
"You look like you have a hangover."
"I guess I took the whole dream sequence a bit far."

John sighed and rubbed one hand over the bald head he was leasing. "Tell me you didn't get into the medicinal alcohol," he pleaded.
"If that's what you want to hear," Gordon responded and John rolled his eyes.
"What the hell were you thinking?"
"Party time? That a bunch of hot, bikini clad Martian girls were going to turn up with tequila shots lined up on their bellies?"

"You're crazy, Gordon."
"I'm starting to think that myself. Morning Father," he called, looking over John's -- the Hood's- massive shoulders.
"Morning, son. Sleep well?" Jeff enquired.
"Once I passed out, yeah."
"I'm not even going to ask," he said with a sigh and walked away.
"Probably a good idea," John muttered.

"Is everyone here?" Scott called. Jeff had decided to assemble a 'war meeting' to try and figure out some course of action. They gathered in the lounge where the Hood was still laying on his back, in Scott's body, dribbling slightly. Brains was eyeing the inert form longingly and considered making a second attempt at gaining permission for tests when Jeff called the meeting to order.
"It's obvious we're not making any progress on our own," he began. "It's time to come up with some sort of strategy." His shoulders slumped as he sighed hopelessly. "Does anyone have any ideas?"

They all immediately turned to Kyrano.

The serene man chuckled under their scrutiny. "The only rescue when my assistance is required and I don't even get to ride in a Thunderbird," he joked."Is there anything you can do?" Jeff asked. "I mean...no pressure, but this is getting out of hand." Kyrano nodded understandingly.
"The universal consciousness that lights all creation remains much of a mystery, even to me," he explained. Scott tapped two fingers on his knee with a rhythm that his host body could never have managed.
"Kyrano can you er, communicate with whatever caused this?" he enquired.

"I can make an attempt." He took a deep breath. The others waited tensely while he closed his eyes and relaxed. Brains was the only exception; he slumped in his chair and muttered something about superior logic and science under his breath. Jeff sent him a pleading look. When the only sound was the rustling of the wind outside and the occasional seagull squawking, Kyrano opened the eyes he was borrowing.

"Apparently, I should leave a message," he joked softly. Tin Tin sighed.
"I'm sorry? I don't think I understand," Scott said with confusion.
"The universe is unable to take our call. If we leave our name and number, it will get back to us," she said miserably. Kyrano touched her shoulder and smiled.
"Perhaps the solution is staring -- or snoring -- us in the face," he said.
"I'm sorry?"
"Well Scott, all but one of us has had the opportunity to learn from this experience."
"Whom do you mean?"
"The Hood. He has been unconscious the entire time." Amid the raised eyebrows and incredulous looks, John choked on his breath.

"We are not waking him up for some kind of mystical bonding session!" he blurted.
"You've become really sarcastic since this all started," said Virgil while he pounded his brother between his shoulders.
"Yeah, what's your problem, Johnny?" Alan added.
"Leave him alone, guys," Gordon interrupted with more sensitivity that John thought his brother possessed. "None of you are stuck inside the body of terrorist. John must have like ten international warrants out on him."
Twelve, Penelope corrected silently but kept the information to herself.

"How long until the Hood comes around, Brains?" asked Jeff.
"The uh, sedative will be wearing off, shortly."
"Good. I want this over with."
"Too right," Parker added emphatically. "But how're we s'posed ta convince old son to play along?" Jeff winced again at the sound of his voice controlled by Parker.
"I suppose that's where you'll come into play," he said, turning to Penelope and regarding her blue eyes.
"Uh, Dad...I'm Virgil."
"Right. Sorry."

"Over here, Jeff. There is no way I can successfully interrogate him in this condition."
"We're not going to interrogate him, Penelope," Jeff insisted. John scoffed.
"No, we're encouraging him to discuss his feelings."
"Call it what you will, I doubt I can make him talk. John is our best option."
"The Hood is just gonna try and strangle him," warned Gordon.
"Initially perhaps, but once he realises he's only doing himself harm-"
"Penny!"

"I'm sorry, John. We can restrain him if that would make you more comfortable although it will make him less inclined to chat."
"No, it's fine," he said, defeated. "I just wish you weren't so casual about me getting beaten up." Penelope responded with a teasing smile.
"I assumed Scott would have done it a few times throughout your childhood."
"They were good boys," Jeff said defensively.
"Yep, we only beat each other when Dad wasn't looking," Gordon added, pretending not to see his father's disapproving frown.
"So what do we do now?" asked John, resigning himself to his fate.
"Now I teach you how to successfully question a hostage," Penelope informed him.
"He's not really a hostage."
"Pity."
"I mean this with all the respect and affection in the world, Penny...but you are weird."

John stood at Scott's head, trying to remember that his brother was possessed by an evil villain and feeling less than prepared after his speedy graduation from Espionage 101.
"Hey, Scotty," he whispered as Brains monitored the Hood's rousing condition. "I can't remember, am I supposed to ask the questions before or after I force bamboo under his fingernails?"
"How would I know?"
"Great help you are, abandoning your brother in his desperate hour of need."
"It'll only be uh, a few minutes," Brains informed them confidently. The Hood growled softly in his drug-induced sleep.

"What do you think he's dreaming about?" Scott asked, resisting an urge to find a stick to poke his body with.
"Chicks," Alan stated. Scott made a face.
"That's nasty."
"Yeah. And he's in your body."
"Don't go there, man. He could be dreaming about anything."
"Shooting us, probably," John said dryly. Scott clapped his brother's arm, unable to reach his shoulder.

"You gonna miss being so tall?" he asked jovially, trying to lift John's spirits.
"You going to miss being short?"
"Nah. It's crap. I can't reach the cookie jar -- you know the one Grandma keeps right on top of the cupboard?"
"Now you know how Brains feels."
"Or you."

"I have to admit it's handy being so big -- I could really give Alan a pounding." He winked at his youngest brother. "But I keep running into things. The Hood's not that co-ordinated."
"I bet his mom wrote him notes for gym class."
"I wonder what kind of kid he was?"
"Probably a pain in the ass, making explosives with his chemistry set, terrorising local guerrilla camps. Average kid stuff."
"You realise we're sympathising with the enemy?"
"Virgil started it. He's gonna score big time after this. All that sensitivity; it's bad enough he's an artist and a musician who can fix a tire or a leaky tap."
"I'm the perfect man."
"Yeah, a woman."

Their sniggers stopped the moment the Hood opened Scott's borrowed eyes.
"What...what is happening?" The words gurgled out of his throat, slurred and drunken. Jeff watched on warily.
"You were trespassing," he said brusquely. "Something happened and we all switched bodies. We kept you sedated for our own safety."
"Coward," the Hood muttered and tried to sit up, lurching all over the place. Jeff rolled his eyes.
"He's all yours," he said to John. "Let's go." As they group filed out, the Hood saw a shadow pass over him. He looked up slowly to stare at...himself?

"Don't even think about trying anything stupid," John commanded. "Just stay put and let's sort this out so we can all get back where we belong."
"I am disappointed. No reinforcements?" the Hood spat moodily.
"Nah. Just me."
"How sad. I expected more from International Rescue. After all...I could easily snap you in half, in my body or not." He stood and took a menacing, if somewhat shaky step forward. John gulped, seeing the sudden gleam in Scott's eye, a kind of darkness that his brother was incapable of. "Are you certain it is wise to be left on your own with me? I am dangerous, after all."

The Hood lunged at John and threw a punch that landed squarely on his jaw. John shook the massive head he was using and blinked.
"That was pathetic!" he exclaimed with bravado, testing his jaw to make sure it was still hinged properly. The Hood glowered at him.
"I know all the weaknesses of that body," he snarled and began circling his enemy, shaking his head to clear away the druggy fog.
"Yeah, me too," John spat. "Whatever you've been eating 'aint helping your antisocial attitude. I had to get Kyrano to put me on a cleansing detox diet!"
With a mighty roar, the Hood attacked, clutching at John's face and swinging a powerful kick to his knees.

"Ha!" he cried when John stumbled. "I shall be victorious!"
"Oh, shut up man!" John exclaimed as he straightened. "Do you honestly think that's intimidating? Wooooo, look at me; I'm a tough guy! My vocabulary extends beyond three syllable words! Well I got news for you, baldy. I read the dictionary as a child too. And you-"
John swung a massive fist, knocking the Hood backwards.
"Are nothing but a pusillanimous jerk-"
He swung again, hitting Scott's ribs and earning a satisfying groan from the Hood.
"With no personality-"
John lashed out with a kick from a strong, thick leg.
"And ugly eyebrows!"

The Hood caught himself on the couch before he fell and John charged like a rampaging wilderbeast. His arms locked around the Hood's legs and they flew through the air, their bodies sailing over the couch and landing on the floor with an echoing crash. The Hood groaned and John staggered to his feet.
"Is that all you got, girly man?" he taunted, swinging his arms threateningly. The Hood shook his head and held his hands up, conceding defeat. John flopped onto the couch breathlessly.
"Yeah," he panted. "I'm the man."

The Hood mumbled something in a language John couldn't understand.
"Aw, quit your sulking," he scolded. "You want some ice for that?"
The Hood touched his bleeding lip and shook his head grudgingly.
"Serves you right," John said. "I told you to stay put."
"Exactly," the Hood growled.
"You're pathologically driven to do the opposite of what I tell you?"
"You must be the simple child of the family."
"Simple? I went to Harvard! I'm a respected astronaut! I've written university standard textbooks, for crying out loud!"
"You are an imbecile. An insect not worth my attention."
"This insect just kicked your ass."

The Hood scoffed and rolled his eyes. There was an uncomfortable pause.
"So..." John blurted, tapping his feet against the floor to fill the silence. "Uh, how'd you get into your line of work?"
"Why are you so interested?"
"Because Kyrano seems to think that if we all learn something important about each other we will switch back."
"Perhaps I do not wish to switch back. Perhaps I am pleased to appear as the son of the billionaire Jeff Tracy."

Uh-oh, John thought with a small amount of panic. Sorry 'bout this, Scotty! He reached deep into his bag of tricks and pulled out the few drama classes he'd taken in high school.
"Well...it's up to you, I suppose," he said. "But..." he let his voice trail away.
"But what?" the Hood snapped. John shrugged.
"It's just that you got landed in Scott's body and well, he has...problems."
"Problems?"
"Yeah, relationship problems. You know his boyfriend is a cop with neediness issues?"
The Hood made a disgusted face.
"The thing is Scott's been cheating on him. With...uh...well, I shouldn't say." He glanced around conspiratorially and leaned down to whisper the secret.
"See, living on this island can get pretty lonely...unless you're partial to male company, like Scott is-- well, that means you now doesn't it?" John moved even closer to deliver the killer line. "You're a pretty popular guy around here," he finished with a saucy wink.

The Hood inched away with something akin to revulsion.
"Very well," he spoke, his mouth twisted as if there was a sour taste filling it. "It appears we must become allies for the time being. But this does not change a thing! I will still get what I want from International Rescue...eventually."
"Yeah, yeah. We'll still be around to get in your way, piss you off, the usual," John replied dismissively. The Hood narrowed his eyes.
"I consider that a challenge." He paused for dramatic effect. "And what happens now?"
"We have a deep and meaningful conversation, the universe switches us all back and then we dump you in a rubber dingy halfway to Australia."
"Hardly an incentive," the Hood complained.
"I could always introduce you to our engineer. Scott and him get along real well, if you know what I mean." He watched the Hood's appalled face and chuckled. Never mind. The image of Scott frenching Brains doesn't do much for me either, John thought. He stood up and wandered to his father's desk, pilfering his scotch and poured a generous amount into two glasses.

"I guess I'll start. I was born in a wheat field in the middle of Kansas..."

"How do you think it's going in there?" Scott asked anxiously from the other side of the door.
"Well, uh, there have been no indications of violence for uh, several minutes," Brains pointed out. Scott glanced up at him and frowned.
"That might not be a good thing."
"Lady Penelope is a good teacher," Parker said proudly.
"Which won't mean jot if they've strangled each other," she sighed.
"You think a doped up Scott is any match for the Hood?" asked Virgil.
"Paranoid, hallucinating and hungry against Andre the Giant's evil twin?"
Jeff raised his eyebrow severely at Scott but it was nothing compared to the glare he was getting from his Grandmother. Scott cleared his throat uncomfortably.
"So that's what keeps happening to Grandma's pies," Virgil murmured. Alan snorted back a laugh when Scott snapped around to stare at them.
"Hey, it's ok, you're the Field Commander. It's a stressful job. Gotta relax somehow, right?"
"Virgil, I am gonna kick your ass!"
"Nah, you wouldn't do that to your wing man. Besides. You can't hit me, I'm a girl."

"Would you two behave yourselves?"
"He started it."
"Scott," Jeff warned wearily and his oldest son sighed heavily.
"I'm a bit stir crazy. I want my body back."
"That might be a little premature. We don't know how many pieces your body is in."
"Oh, that's comforting."
"We're all stressed. Just calm down and we'll wait for John's signal," Virgil said, placing a hand on Scott's shoulder.
"Yeah, so long as John's alive to give the damned signal."
"Oh that's it, do I need to send you to your room?" Jeff glowered.
"Easy for you," Scott mumbled under his breath. "I'm a king prawn in the body of a shrimp."
"Shrimp taste better," Penelope replied absently from behind him. Scott sighed and took off his glasses, turning pleading thoughts towards the heavens.

The Hood chuckled and accepted another refill.
"Of course my first attempt at conquering the world was laughable," he was explaining. "I was intending to kidnap the most powerful man in the village and hold him for ransom. When I snuck into his room, he leapt out of bed and spanked me. Apparently Kyrano had told him my plans."
"How old were you?"
"Six."
"You were a twisted child, you realise that? Sneaking into some stranger's house-"
"He was no stranger. It was my father."
"You were going to kidnap your own dad?"
"It was a logical plan at the time. I was six. Who else did I know besides my parents?"

"Good point. I take it you've always had overbearing, control freak tendencies?"
"My psychiatrist says I have an intense personality."
"That's one way of putting it. You see a shrink?"
"It's a benefit of union membership."
"There's a union?"
"Arch Enemies United. Would you like a card?"

"Got a uh, seven?"
"Go fish."
Brains reached to take another card then remembered there was none left. Beside him were Parker and Mrs. Tracy, still looking like Jeff and Tin Tin. They had originally intended to play poker but Brains didn't know how, was lousy at card games and didn't trust Parker anyway.
"Brains do you have a four?" Mrs. Tracy asked politely. Brains nodded and passed the card over. "Oh look, I've won again," she observed cheerfully, setting her final pair down. Parker dropped his remaining cards and grinned.
"You're a regular shark, you are!" he exclaimed, gathering the deck and shuffling with an almost professional flair. "Another round, eh, Brains?"
"No thanks, Parker.""Deal me in," Virgil insisted.
"Texas hold 'em?" Parker asked hopefully.
"Yessir," Virgil replied with a terrible, false drawl. He took his cards with a wink in his Grandmother's direction then glanced at a retreating Brains. "You sure you don't want to play?"
"I'm sure. I uh, like my money right where it uh, is thank you. In uh, my pocket."

He found his way to Jeff's side to find him talking with Alan.
"Do you think they've made any progress?" Alan asked.
"I'm pretty sure they've made progress on my best bottle of scotch. They've been giggling like schoolgirls for the last half hour."
"Hey if it's working..."
"John still owes me a new bottle."
"Dad...have you ever thought that maybe you have a problem?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Are you an alcoholic? I mean if that's just the bottle we know about, what else are you hiding around the place? Maybe you have a problem."

"The only problem I have, young Alan, is being the father of five infuriating boys."
"You know how hard it is to take you seriously when you're Gordon, right? I mean I know you're trying to glare at me, but it just doesn't have the same effect."
"Alan?""Yeah, Father?"
"Go. Away."
"Ooookay." He turned around with a cheeky grin on his face. "Watch out, Brains. He's cranky."
"Alan!"

John heard his father growling at someone outside, but didn't much care. There was a whole lot of liquid missing from that bottle. John was tipping every other mouthful into a sorry looking potted plant, but the world was starting to blur into a happy, hazy sort of place where the Hood didn't really seem like such a mean guy after all.
"Alcohol induced Stockholm syndrome," he mumbled into his hand.
"Ah, don't throw that theory around," the Hood disagreed strongly. "I know what you people get up to on this island. All you men."
"They always like the pretty guys," John laughed. "You're prettier."
"I am your brother."
"Alan kissed Virgil. No, he kissed Tin Tin, but he was Parker."

"He kissed my niece?"
"He does it all the time. He thinks we don't know."
"I used to kiss girls."
"What do you kiss now?"
"Nobody. I'm bald. I'm evil."
"You're evil cause you're bald?"
"Maybe. I should invest in hair transplant technology. Then I'd be a good guy. Then the girls would kiss me again."
"You'd have to stop blowing things up and killing people. You'd need a new hobby."
"You could do it for me. You'd make a fine villain with the proper education."
"Nah. I don't want to go bald."

John allowed himself a half smile when the Hood chuckled but his mirth was cut short by an annoying buzz. John batted a mosquito away from his face."The balcony doors are open," he observed and stood up to close them. A fat dragonfly flew into the room lazily, followed by a moth and a beetle. There was a soft humming noise in the air and John turned around to face the Hood.
"We did it! The others told me this is how it started!" he cried with a grin. "We're going to switch back!"
"Finally," the Hood griped.
"Trust me, the open emotional dialogue thing isn't much fun for me either." The humming noise grew and the birds of the island took to flight amid the swarming insects. Bubbles of crystalline light began to fill the air and John sighed happily. The nightmare was almost over. He looked over at his brother's body. The Hood was making the face scowl.
"Hurry up with it," he snapped at the air then shrieked when a wasp stung his hand.

"The stupid universe has always had it in for me," he grumbled and closed his eyes as the bubbles rained over him.

Cosmic fireworks exploded over the island and a chorus of exultant shouts and laughter filled the air.
"You did it, Johnny!" Virgil hollered. "You da man!"
"He da man!" Gordon agreed enthusiastically, letting out a joyful bellow when he realised he was back in his own body, safely on planet Earth. The excited squeals and shouts echoed off the walls.
"Oh, hurrah! I'm a girl!"
"I'm me! I'm me!"
"What a shame, my breasts are hanging around my knees again."
"Never mind, Mrs. Tracy, I have a wonderbra that will suit you perfectly."
"Why thank you, Penelope."
"Mother do you have to discuss this now?"
"Jeff darling, you're back!"

"Hi guys, did you miss me?" Scott shouted and came bursting out of the lounge with a wide, toothy grin.
"Scotty!"
"Hey, bro!"
"Where's the Hood?"
"He's sleepy."
"You smell like you've been drinking," Jeff commented. Scott winked.
"Nope! The Hood was drinking and then we swapped and now I'm happy." He turned to Virgil and punched his arm.
"What the heck?" Virgil cried and rubbed the instant bruise.
"You're not a girl anymore. And you deserved that." He pointed to his father. "He's gonna search my room for contraband."
"Why don't you just volunteer a sample?"
"You're a pain in the-"
"Alan!"

"Tin Tin, come here!"
A universal, shocked gasp ran through the room.
"Alan! You can't do that to little Tin Tin!"
"Oh uh, m-my."
"Get a room."
"Alan Tracy, that is my daughter you are attacking."
"Ah, young love!"
"Ahem."

The couple broke apart though Alan kept a firm grip on Tin Tin's hand.
"Sorry Sir," he said bravely to Kyrano. "It seemed like a good idea to me." Jeff shook his head.
"Humph. I thought I taught you better than that, Alan."
"Well I wasn't gonna slip the tongue while everyone was watching, Father."
"Uh...that's not what I..."
"Jeff, what is your son talking about?" Penelope asked with a mischievous sparkle in her eyes.
"Um...I'm going to go check on John."
"Chicken," Alan mumbled at his Father's retreating back.
"Don't worry, Penny. I'll tell you all about it," Virgil volunteered with a wink, ignoring the muttered 'pervert' that came from somewhere amongst the crowd.

"Come one, guys!" Scott called, putting one arm around Brains and the other around Gordon. "Let's head to the kitchen. I'm starving." He rolled his eyes at the round of giggles that followed. "You realise none of you fed me in the last two days?"
"You were uh, on an IV drip overnight, Scott."
"Sorry Brains but unless you liquefied a chocolate cake..."
"Your body was given a uh, adequate supply of nutrients."
"Show me to the food! I'll even take the cookie jar down from the high shelf and share with you." Brains didn't even give it a second's consideration.
"Deal," he announced and they took off for the promised bounty of Grandma's kitchen.

Jeff leaned out of the lounge to watch them go slyly. Penelope turned back and sent a wink over her shoulder, promising she'd keep the others out of his hair for a while. He sighed and turned to where the Hood was lying asleep on the couch, snoring loudly. He picked up the near empty bottle sadly.
"You were sacrificed for a good cause," he lamented then activated a call to Thunderbird Five.
"Hi, John."
"Hi, Father. It's good to be back."
"I'll second that. How are you feeling?"

Far away on Thunderbird Five, John stretched his familiar, lithe body and gave a contended sigh.
"I stink, I'm hungover and the entire space station is a mess."
"Gordon."
"Yeah. Gordon. But it doesn't matter. The universe is back to normal and once I sleep off this nasty headache, I can pretend that it never happened."
"I don't think I'm going to forget this in a hurry."
"Like the brat said, denial is my friend. Besides, the Hood knows a good shrink."
"Do I want to know?"
"That depends. Did you know there's an evil bad guy union? How come there's no heroic good guy union? You could start one. But of course, we'd have to demand some improvements in working conditions. Maybe we'd strike. What do you think, Father?"

Jeff rolled his eyes and poured out the last of the alcohol into a glass.

"Father?"

He searched around his desk and found a cigar, cut and lit it with experienced fingers.

"Um...Father?"

Puffing away happily, Jeff took a seat in his plush leather chair and swung it around to face the ocean view.

Screw optimism, he thought. This is much better.